Racism has always existed. It never left. These things have been happening since… well almost forever probably. And it’s sad. Usually I’m not a big fan of all these social media things or hypes because a lot of it seems like empty words, people joining the trend, or a PR stunt that people take advantage of. But on the other hand it is an important topic that I’m very passionate about. So lately, with the whole anti-racism movement that has been taking place, I wanted to take a moment share my perspective and experiences on the topic. Namely because one of the reasons I decided to start Librae is because of my own experiences with prejudice and subconscious bias. Not just in the Netherlands, but also in China.
Just to be clear, I’m not trying to get your pity or compare myself to the situation out there, because that’s on a completely different spectrum. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, because it’s not constructive. I’m trying to open a conversation and bring in a new perspective, because the whole discussion could benefit a lot from a greater diversity of perspectives. There are differences between racism, discrimination, prejudice and (subconscious) bias and I’m not trying to accuse anyone of anything. In fact, I’m actually pretty lucky and it’s because I’m in a good position that I can do more than post a picture of a black box. I actually want to share what I’ve experienced, how it made me feel and why I care so much. Before I begin though, I just wanted to share these bullet points/ideas/notions I came across about white privilege that resonated with me. This isn’t an accusation against any one specific person but more a compilation of things that have played a role in my life
There was one night in Shanghai that I’ll never forget. I was with a group of friends, who had just all been let into the club (for the sake of this example many of them were also Asian/Chinese) when I was singled out and refused entry because I looked like I was from a different province in China due to my darker skin tone. I had just come back from a family holiday in Thailand, and was extremely tanned, but apparently I also looked like I was supposed to be poor. The bouncer was just shouting and swearing at me in Chinese to get the hell out and wildly gesturing at me to leave. I tried to speak to him and ask him what the problem was, but he wouldn’t even look at me or talk to me. My friends came running back out wondering what the holdup was and I actually had to ask my friends what he was saying because I couldn't understand him (it might have been the dialect or the anger). My friends had to calm him down because he was so furious. I was incredibly embarrassed and confused, I had no idea what was going on or why this man was so being so aggressive and violent. He had this look of disgust and hate that I couldn’t understand, which may sound cheesy and is something you read in books, but people do have a certain look in their eye when they despise something. I felt like I just committed the worst crime imaginable and hurt him in every way possible or had deeply offended him. It felt a bit like my people had just done something terrible to his people, but I didn’t know who I was to him or what I had done. I just kept wondering, “What did I do? Nothing. What did I do wrong? Nothing. Why is he mad at me?” I don’t know.
Even though nothing actually happened to me that night and this didn’t have any consequences, I was really shocked and it hurt. You read about discrimination and see it on TV, but it’s really weird when you show up somewhere and out of nothing, someone immediately despises you for just being there and for being the way you are. It’s strange and bizarre. Again, I’m not trying to get your pity, but just sharing how I felt back then. This is probably one of the most intense experiences I've ever had that I won’t forget.
On the other hand in the Netherlands, random people passing by on the street have called me "kanker Chinees", "Chinese kut hoer" and other rude things on a regular basis. I've had things thrown at me for no reason. During the Corona pandemic, someone biked passed me and said, "Hey, kijk daar loopt Corona"*. People also very frequently have the urge to make random “Chinese” sounds at me when I walk by or just go “ni hao ni hao ching chong chai”. On that note “Hanky panky Shanghai”, a song that Dutch people often sing for children’s birthdays, is not Chinese. At all. Shanghai is a city in China yes, but “hanky” and “panky” are just random made up words that don’t even sound Chinese. No where near. These things are pretty small and people often ask me if I’m offended in these situations and why. It just strangers making random sounds or calling names, should it matter? Why don’t I just ignore it? Especially if it’s not even Chinese. Who cares? While I’ve gotten used to it over the last 6 years and I haven’t really made a big deal out of it, it has puzzled me and is something I’ve struggled with. Why am I offended? It’s condescending. Do I have the right to be offended? Yes, because it feels like I’m being mocked and made fun of. Should I even have to justify myself for feeling offended in the first place? No. Why do people even have the urge to make a point out of my presence and me being Chinese? I have no clue. People don’t know any better.
Something else that I actually never heard until I moved to the Netherlands, but have heard over and over again since I moved is "it must be because you're Chinese". Honestly, sometimes I forget that I look different, I forget that I'm Chinese and that my skin colour is different from anyone else's. But ever since I’ve moved, people won’t let me forget it. Everything I do or don’t do, somehow seems to be associated with my race, “you’re good at maths? Must be because you’re Chinese”, “You don’t like spicy food? But you’re Chinese!”, “You must be smart because you’re Chinese”. Most people don’t mean these things offensively because they often don’t even realise they’re saying it, it just comes out, and I’ve just learned to deal with it and make jokes about it. I don’t take it personally and am hardly ever offended, but it does bother me at times. I’m a person. Just a person. Is that not enough? Do things have to be related to my race? Or to my gender? Can’t I just do me?
I’ve realised I can go on about this subject endlessly, so I’ll get to the point. I’m privileged, I’m privileged as ****. I’m adopted, I was raised by Dutch parents in Shanghai in a super international environment with people from all over the world, with the strangest backgrounds, I’m hardly ever surprised anymore. I grew up multicultural, best of both worlds. You know the drill. While people don’t really tend to have a very positive image of China or the Chinese (whole other topic I could go on about), people don’t necessarily hate us or see us as an immediate danger. So besides the occasional name calling and weird noise making, I’m lucky, I’m pretty safe. I can handle myself. There’s pretty much no stopping me. I’m idiotically stubborn and was lucky enough to have the support and resources I need to, cheesily put, follow my dreams.
Unfortunately, not everyone is safe or immune to name calling, not everyone has a support system in place or resources and some people do experience long lasting consequences after these types of encounters. That is what bothers me and that’s why I care so much about diversity. We need more diversity to stop racism, discrimination, prejudice and (subconscious) biases and create an inclusive society. It’s when there’s more diversity that we start seeing things differently, start seeing people different and start approaching things differently. When you are less likely to judge or be hesitant about situations that are different, but welcoming the differences with open arms and supporting it. That’s where points 3, 4 and 5, from the list of white privilege come in. I guess in ideal world we would reach a point, where people don’t have to justify themselves anymore because its normal to be different, there is no normal. Where we’re all just people, people with certain skills and interests and where your access to opportunities doesn’t depend on your race or background.
With Librae, I want to make a teeeny weeeny little difference in the world of STEM. So I guess that would be mostly point 5. If you don’t have a diverse team designing and building stuff, then things aren’t going to be made to include the majority of our society. With Librae I just hope to even out the playing field a bit by providing extra support and access to opportunities for people they otherwise wouldn’t have.
*The direct translations for these comments are a bit strange but it’s something along the lines of “cancer Chinese”, “Chinese cunt whore” and “hey, look Corona just walked past."